Thursday, March 12, 2009

Do Not Let 'Weak' Approach Kills His Interest.

Do you know how to tell if a man is interested in you... and why?

Here's something interesting I've observed about women who start to really like a guy...

In trying to figure out whether a man is interested and "into" you, you start to freak yourself out by overanalyzing everything the guy does and says.

(Hint: this doesn't make you more interesting and attractive to him.)

As your mind fills with thoughts about him, who he is, and what might be going on in his head... this only fills you with more questions, doubts and fears. And what happens next?

After having all these thoughts... once you get together or talk to him again, he instantly picks up on the fact that something "strange" is going on with you. He can't quite put his finger on it- he just knows something feels a little off when he's around you now. Your body language is somehow "off" now. Or your tone of voice has shifted and doesn't carry that fun, light and airy energy that he craved being around in the first place.

All it took was you starting to think about some of the wrong things... and WHAM! He has a completely negative "shift" in his mind about who you are and if he wants to be with you. And this is exactly where you can see a man become noticeably WITHDRAWN and distant. Suddenly the phone stops ringing.

Translation -> The man - without even thinking about it or making the choice to - starts to close off from you.

He's not 100% conscious of it. But he senses your analyzing and the "negative emotional
energy" that comes along with it. Talk about a total DISCONNECT.

So, let me ask you:
Have you ever seen or been in this kind of situation where you were uncertain about how he was feeling and where he was at, but it only seemed to cause more tension instead of bringing you closer like you had hoped it would? If so, then there are a few critical SKILLS you could pick up that would change your love life and relationship for the better...Such as learning to tell the difference between a guy who wants to go out because he's just physically attracted to you and a guy who is open, able, and looking for something more.

Or another skill...

When you do find a good guy, learning the specific ways to communicate with him IN HIS LANGUAGE, so that he opens up, shares, and listens. Do you have these skills or know how to put them to use in your love life?


Here's something you may have tried with a man in the past that really does NOT work:

THE "WEAK" APPROACH TO GETTING CLOSE WITH A MAN THAT LEADS TO MORE WORK AND LESS LOVE

After spending literally years studying, thinking, and observing how men and women think about relationships and the way they communicate with each other, I've noticed something FASCINATING...

Lots of women have a common "strategy" or approach to men and relationships. There are several common strategies by the way, but this one happens to be the one that I see the most of and it often causes the women who use it unavoidable pain and frustration.

It's the strategy of "Compensating."

I'll give you an example of how this strategy usually comes up and how it works...

One of the common things that men do is to get involved quickly, intensely, and deeply with a woman when they first meet. The man has strong feelings and emotions that seem to carry them away and make them do and say things that are more emotionally "open" and "risky" than they would be at other times.

But eventually the man's "everyday" emotional state or emotional world catches up to him, shifting him back to the way he has felt most "comfortable" in his life - not sharing, opening, or "risking" much.(A woman's uncertainty about a relationship, and the doubt or fear that comes from this, can also trigger this shift.)

With this happening, women often intuitively sense the "shift" in the man and become conscious of how he has changed - as he starts to talk and act differently. It's here that lots of women get FREAKED OUT and even feel REJECTED by this shift in his behaviour. And here's where the weak strategy of COMPENSATING comes up...

To try and get things back to the way they were, or the way they know is more open and healthy, women often try and make up for what the guy isn't doing. They do things to try and make him happy or more comfortable, change things in their own life that they shouldn't to accommodate him, and make EXCUSES for his shortcomings and distant and un-involved behavior in all kinds of social situations with friends, family, etc.

Recognize anything about "Compensating" yet? Well then, you know that sooner or later, if you try Compensating, you'll become drained, frustrated, and maybe even resentful. By trying to hold things together in the relationship and not getting much back, you'll realize that the man isn't there with you, and might even be doing and sharing less than before as he senses your frustration. And it's here that women often pull away and become more distant themselves.

The common example of this is when a woman is visibly withdrawn and the man asks her, "What's wrong?" Obviously there's a LOT that's wrong and the woman wants the man to recognize it for himself.

But he doesn't... so she says, "Nothing is wrong..." in a cold, unfeeling tone of voice.

If you've been a "Compensator", then you already know that Compensating doesn't change a man or make him any happier or more open. And it ABSOLUTELY doesn't make YOU any happier.

Catching on here?

Good.

A man is RARELY, if EVER, going to magically become more CONSCIOUS and find the ability to recognize and appreciate the value of what you're doing for your relationship when you take on the role of the Compensator.

Most men just don't "get it" and they don't appreciate or understand what it is you're trying to do by Compensating. Now, there IS another way that actually WORKS for BOTH of you...


SPEAKING HIS LANGUAGE, TEACHING HIM TO SPEAK YOURS, AND LEARNING THE SKILLS FOR A LASTING
CONNECTION

So, why do men act this way? Why do they make it so difficult to open up and share what's going on inside? Is it because they're completely incapable? Obviously not... but they are DIFFERENT!

With lots of men, they've been taught or "conditioned" that consistent, emotional, and intense displays of interaction are actually a sign of weakness... even though this couldn't be further from the truth. While women, on the other hand, seem to have a natural understanding of the beauty and the power of emotional connection... and they are often valued and encouraged for their "emotional intelligence" and ability to relate, share, and understand.

So, what does this mean?

Here's the thing:

If a woman tries to Compensate for things that a man is doing in a relationship, often times
she's avoiding the REALITY of where he's at, how he is, his level of emotional maturity, etc.

Compensating is often a temporary "scotch-tape" fix, trying to cover up or avoid the recognition of something deeper.

The way to tell how interested a man is and why, has two critical parts to it:

1. Use Your Intuition

Listening to your intuition is NOT unique advice. I get that. Lots of women use their intuition in one way or another. But here's what IS powerful...Learning to turn your intuition on so that it's there for you when you need it...and taking the right meaning out of what it tells you.

To use your intuition, you need to get into the habit of consciously asking yourself the direct questions that you want answers to. Do this at the beginning of the day...and then go on. This "primes" your subconscious mind to process your question. But, be VERY CAREFUL. What you ask is what your mind will pay attention to. So, let me be clear: you want to ask POSITIVE QUESTIONS that direct your mind to finding CONSTRUCTIVE clues, meanings, and outcomes for you.In other words, if you want to understand more about what's going on with the guy you're dating...DO NOT ask,"Why doesn't he like me as much as I like him?" The entire context of this question, and the beliefs behind it, are NEGATIVE and destructive.

Instead, ask:

"Is he interested in the kind of relationship that I want?"

Or...

"Is there something going on for him personally that is keeping him from being able to be present with me or being emotionally involved?"

See the difference?

2. Learn How To Communicate With Men For Real, Constructive, Positive Results

Are you good at communicating with men? Or more specifically, with men you've been in relationships with in the past or with the man who's in your life right now? And if not, whose fault is that? The amazing thing that I've discovered is that most people THINK that they are great communicators. But they don't seem to get any RESULTS with their communication. Guess what?
If you aren't getting some of the results you're after, then your communication skills STINK. Sorry to be so blunt about it, but it's for your own good. Communication = The Response You Get

What people usually mean when they say that they're great communicators, or that they know how to talk to people, is that they say exactly what they're thinking and feeling all the time.

Just so you know, this is NOT a leading trait that makes up a great communicator - or even a
good one. But wait! Am I saying to not recognize or respect your feelings and emotions (as though you could just hide them away)?

NO.

Being IN TOUCH with your feelings is GOOD. But throwing them out when they come to you, not "filtering" them, and putting no conscious thought behind how the other person will hear and
receive your words, is VERY BAD. You HAVE to consider your audience. Which in this case is a man, with his own way of seeing, being, learning, and understanding.

One of the most important things that I've realized (and had to personally learn again and again) is that just because I understand or see something clearly in my own mind, DOES NOT mean that I can quickly help someone else see the same thing I see or understand.

But we so often expect the opposite to be true. And when it's not, we quickly become frustrated and want to blame the other person for not paying attention or listening. TONS of women spend days, weeks, or months analyzing, processing, and discussing a thought or idea that they have about a man or about their relationship. And after all this, they come to a conclusion, having the benefit of all the wisdom they've gathered over time, and present their thoughts to their guy.

And then what happens?

Most of the time, the woman expects the man to listen and VERY QUICKLY understand what she's
talking about, what it means about him and their relationship, and how it makes her feel and why.

And how does that usually work out?

Right.

If you think about this situation for a second, you'll realize a few important things:

1. The man didn't have the benefit of all the time and discussion/analysis that the woman had

2. The woman is expecting her communication to give him a perfect view and experience of what
it's like to be her

3. The man might have less of a natural ability to pick apart and understand relationship dynamics and emotions

4. The man probably sees things differently and has his own perspective (right or wrong)

So, why am I telling you all this about communication?

And what does it have to do with knowing how interested a guy is in you...and why?

Well, people rarely understand what we tell them in the way that we understand it ourselves. Men included. In fact...especially with men. And I recognize the challenge that you, as a woman, have with a man.... it's often very difficult to know what's going on with him because he will RARELY, if EVER, come out and say exactly how he's thinking or feeling. Especially if it has to do with a woman. And ESPECIALLY if it involves a difficult, tense, or potentially negative emotional situation. Most men in this situation will simply AVOID CONVERSATION and CONNECTION to try and hide their feelings, hoping that it will all just go away and they won't have to "deal with it."

Good communication IS the first step to changing your relationship with a men for the better. =)