Thursday, February 26, 2009

Why Men Often Leave Relationships?

I came across this article. hmm. Now let's talk about the reasons why men often leave relationships...

***COMMENT***

I have been seeing my boyfriend for a year and a half and we have a great relationship on all levels (intellectually, physically, etc). However unfortunately we have been 'head-bashing' over a certain problem that keeps resurfacing in our relationship and now it has literally come to a point where he wants "time out". I have a problem trusting him and want to always control siituations. I have constantly been giving him nonsense when he socialises with his female friends, and have an insecurity that he will leave me. It has been very strenuous on him and he actually told me this morning that he wants to be with me but he no longer knows what to do and wants time out of this relationship... I finally did something right this morning when speaking to him, I just listened and said that I understood. He said we will discuss it further this evening. I am SO LOST! I don't know what to do to fix this now, and am not sure if this is 'fixable'. I REALLY LOVE him and he loves me, but it has been carrying on for so long he doesn't want to hear excuses anymore. PLEASE HELP me. What can I do to make this work?


***RESPONSE***
Ok, I'm going to have to pull out the hammer here because you're doing the worst of all things-Using your fear and neediness to justify hurting yourself and pushing your guy away. Here's what I want you to do...Please go to the nearest mirror, look yourself dead in the eyes, and then slap yourself hard across the cheek. 
Oh, and make sure your boyfriend is watching too, so you can then turn to him, freak out and cry, and then blame him for "making you do it." And when he responds by saying, "But you just slapped yourself"... I want you to freak out even more until he starts to think that something is going really and truly wrong with you in the head. AND THEN... I want you to get even more upset because now he thinks your crazy... and act even more crazy and emotional as you wonder, "What did I ever do to make him not want to be around me and doubt our future together?" Once you do all this, then you should be able to recognize that this has roughly the same effect with your boyfriend as your current thinking and behaviour. 

I want you to understand that your fear and jealousy is NOT going to go away, EVER, until you decide to get this part of your life handled. The reality right now is that no matter how good your relationship with a man might be, or how much reassurance you scream and cry to try and get him to give you... it will NEVER be enough for you because your mind will find a way to freak you out and ruin things for you. These same insecure, needy, negative feelings that drive men away are going to keep coming up over and over in place after place until you are ALONE again. Here are a few important questions you need to consider right now:

How do you think all your negative emotional fears and frustrations are affecting the man in your life? And how do these make him think and feel about you and your relationship? And what would he tell you and ask you for if he wasn't afraid of freaking you out, and was open and honest?
*Hint- learning to listen and understand a man's feelings is also a huge part of creating a strong relationship that meets BOTH of your needs.



If you haven't recognized it yet, men commonly have a kind of RESISTANCE to working through intense emotional situations in relationships. And it's often these same few areas of RESISTANCE that cause conflict in relationships and lead to men to pulling away or leaving. the common points of male "resistance" that come up in relationships that keep you from growing closer and more committed on a physical and emotional level.

Now back to it. The good news is that your situation isn't hopeless or "unfixable." But first, I want you to realize a few important truths about men and the common reasons why they leave relationships with women they like or love...

Reason #1: The "Pleasure Principle"
Men, and women, generally want to FEEL GOOD in their lives. And they want to have the people around them be a source of pleasure and comfort and support. Yourself included. When you are constantly freaking out on a man for what it is about him that freaks you out, you quickly turn into one of the people that it DOESN'T FEEL GOOD to be around. And this has a huge impact on whether or not he wants to invest more time, effort, and energy in you and your relationship. Or if he will decide to give up on trying to fix what's going on with you so you can both feel good together.

Reason #2: Emotional Experience And The Future
For a man in a relationship, the ways a woman acts in the "little" situations become indicators of how she's going to respond when things really are tough and in the future. So if a woman is consistently negative and emotional... and can't get herself together even when a man tries to explain things and comfort her... then a man isn't going to think that things could be any better in the future together.

Reason #3: Lost Feelings Of Attraction
Love can be important to a man. But just like a woman, if he doesn't also keep experiencing the exciting and addictive feelings of CONNECTION and ATTRACTION with the woman he loves... then eventually EVERYTHING ELSE starts to not matter. When a man doesn't FEEL that deep level of connection with a woman, at least every so often to remind him of why he's with her, then he'll forget why... and the relationship will become just a whole bunch of "work" to him. Whenever he thinks of his girlfriend, he'll think of all the problems, frustrations, and negative emotions and experiences... and he'll see a future and a commitment as something that will make him LESS SATISFIED in his life. Often times when women are feeling distance or trouble in a relationship, they'll try to "talk" to a man and work on "the relationship." Big mistake if you want to turn things around. For a man, he wants to do things together (not talk) to know his relationship is working. Creating a deep level of connection and sharing the attraction you have is one of the most powerful and important keys to giving a man his own reason for wanting to be with you, no matter what.