Friday, February 20, 2009

Why Men Lose Interest In Great Women

Tons of women are finding hard to find a great these days. Especially a little later in life after a break up or divorce.

Know what I'm talking about? Well, then let me ask you... If you did somehow meet a great guy... are you confident that you'd know what this attractive, successful, and "together" single man was really looking for in a woman? And more importantly... would you know how to have him RECOGNIZE YOU as the right woman for him and want to be with you and explore a real relationship? If you're like some other women I've met and worked with, then it's been a while since you've "dated"(or wanted to "date" or get out there).

Which begs the question... Do you even know how you REALLY come off when you're around a great guy and you're in that uncertain and awkward "casual dating" stage? What's tough here is that meeting men and "dating" can make it way too easy for you to act nervous, get a little freaked out, and NOT be your true "best self." Plus... lots of women THINK they know what a man wants, and pretend to understand what will get a man's attention and win his love and devotion...But the reality is that too many women end up making the exact same mistake from the start- they do and say the things with a man that would attract THEIR love and desire... instead of doing what works for HIM. For a real understanding of what will make a man see you as the right woman from the start and feel more intensely ATTRACTED to you each time you get together...




I'd like to share a few important things about men and why they are the way they are in relationships.

There's a common situation way, way too many loving women experience... It's when you meet a great guy, things get off to a great start, your relationship deepens, and you share lots of love and affection...But then at some point in the relationship, for what seems like no reason, the man seems to suddenly lose interest and start to show you or tell you that he's not sure he wants to be together anymore. But what changed? You racked your brain to try and remember something that had actually happened that would have changed his mind about you and your relationship... but there was nothing. It was like one day he woke up and was a different person who no longer could remember or get in touch with his feelings for you and all the things you share. And worst of all... part of you felt like there was nothing you could have done to PREVENT IT, or to FIX IT once it happened.


Once he made up his mind, that was it. Things were never the same. And even if you did "patch things up"... in the back of your mind you knew it was only temporary. And that this surely wasn't a SECURE relationship. Who knew when the next time he'd change his mind would be and send you and your relationship into a total tailspin. I'd like to share with you what's going on inside a man's mind in these situations... And how to not only AVOID these kinds of situations in your future - but make sure you end up in a relationship where the man can't help but want to hold your relationship together and do HIS PART.
Ok, here's something super important I need you to know about a man and how he either makes a great partner, or leaves you heartbroken..

THE IMPORTANCE OF CHOOSING THE RIGHT MAN


The first thing I want to say is that if you're a woman who has been holding a relationship together with your own two bare hands for months or years of pain and heartache... while your guys does all kinds of ridiculous and stupid stuff again and again, then I feel for you. These kinds of situations are not great, at all. And so you know... a true goal of what I consider my "Purpose" and life's work is to help you share and experience the kind of love you really want. And to help you do that without having to go through as much pain and frustration as you might have had to endure in your past. In a way, I wish I could keep you from ever feeling like you have to do all "the work" in your relationship ever again. But here's the reality... I don't choose the man you bring into your life for you. And I don't choose the things that you choose to say and do and feel with a man. One of the most important things I've learned over the years helping women is this- If you don't know when enough is enough...
then you're destined to contribute to your own suffering.

How many girlfriends have you known who have been with guys who might have been "OK" people, but the guy just kept doing things to them over and over that broke their heart again and again?

And you watched as each time things went bad, the same cycle of behavior started again, only to end up exactly where it left off the last time with her telling herself he would change and things would be different. You wished you could pull your girlfriend out of this, but all you could do was support her and be a loving shoulder to cry on when the predictable bad cycle started again. But let me ask you... You might not realize it right now, but odds are that if you've had a run of "failed" relationships... then you too have been guilty of both choosing the WRONG MAN... and of trying to fix or save a situation that was never yours to try and salvage in the first place. As the saying goes 'Men are "as is" items'. Like a pair of shoes. If you buy a pair "as is", you can't bring them to the repair shop and expect everything to be taken care of and fixed. Sales are final. No returns. No repairs.

Lesson: Beware the pair you choose.
Men are the same way when you're considering a real long-term relationship. If you're taking a good hard look at a man you want to change something about him - it's wise to understand that he's not a ball of clay who can be shaped over time. He's more of a pot that was made from clay who has already been "fired." He's "fixed" as far as you're concerned once you're in a relationship with him. That is, unless HE DECIDES he wants to grow and change FOR HIMSELF. (Hint - notice that I didn't say change for YOU.) No, men can listen and grow and change with the help of others. And good men grow, and do so often. But it usually takes a strong teacher, mentor or authority figure for a man to hear them and be open to learning from their feedback. But this DOES NOT mean that you should become a man's "teacher." (Although too many women try.) Here's why...

You ABSOLUTELY 100% CANNOT take on this role as a man's "teacher" AND at the same time be THE WOMAN he truly loves, wants to please, and is passionately ATTRACTED TO. The two roles just don't go together. Taking on one role simply doesn't allow you to act as the other. Following me here? Good.


So knowing that... which role would you like to be in your relationship to the man you love? The woman who is constantly trying to get a man to change, and who has to struggle with who and what a man is? (The Teacher) Or the woman a man can't help but want to LOVE, and is so deeply affected and moved by that he can't help but want to be a better man just to be recognized and appreciated in her eyes? (The Lover)

Let me give you a hint here:

Lots of women who take on the role of the "Teacher" often do so out of DESPERATION and FRUSTRATION with their current relationship because the man doesn't treat them as the beloved Lover they want to be treated as.
And because of this, the "teaching" they try and do with the man is accidentally done in a way where he feels CRITICIZED. (Which often happens as a woman tries to tell a man where he's going wrong - even when she's coming from a place of LOVE and SUPPORT.) Truth be told, a man doesn't want a woman who will try and change him or tell him how to think or act. Think "nagging" in a man's mind. A man, just like a woman, wants someone who will make him feel APPRECIATED for who he is.

Long story short, I don't think that you, as a woman, should have to do all "the work" in your relationship, and constantly be looking for what's wrong with YOU. Men should do their part in love and in relationship. But...It's my belief and experience that the only thing you can do in a real relationship out of true love to help your partner is to:

A) RECOGNIZE and ACCEPT who your partner REALLY is, and not what you want them to be

B) Be the very best "you" that you can be. And not just for the sake of your relationship, but for your own sake. Considering this last point, why would you ever be upset about being the one to be CONSCIOUS and GROWING in the way you are in your relationship? Let me land the plane a little bit here...The reason why I don't talk about how to change or "fix" a man is because I know you CAN'T FIX A MAN.

The more you try, the more unhappy you are going to be, the more the man in your life is going to resent you and not enjoy being around you... and the more your relationship is going to fall apart. Trying to "fix" a man is a GIANT trap that way too many women unconsciously fall into in their relationships without ever realizing it. And it's this "teaching" that a man perceives not as love and a desire to improve your relationship, but as CRITICISM, that is the very thing that PUSHES HIM AWAY and makes him WITHDRAW. Ironic, isn't it - that the more you try and "fix" your relationship by talking to a man, the more you can make him feel like your relationship just isn't working.

There are specific ways you can tap into the side of a man that will open him up to being the one who starts planning your future with you and talks about all the benefits of a SECURE and COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP together. And you can "shift" things with a man more quickly and with less "work" than you ever thought possible. But only if you know how to communicate with a man around the whole concept of COMMITMENT...and show him how it's completely in HIS best interest. A man will be OPEN to the idea of commitment if you know the NEGATIVE TRIGGERS to avoid that activate what I call his "natural resistance" to long-term commitment.


Don't wait for a man to figure things out and lead your relationship forward on his own. And don't make the mistake of trying to do all the "heavy lifting" yourself to make things come together and work in your relationship. If you leave things up to a man and his internal "wiring" that keeps him wanting to stay "casual" and keep his freedom... then things aren't going to move forward for you and grow more committed on any level any time soon.